Just now and again I encounter a battle within my mind. Sometimes I am very aware of this constant war that I find myself in and other times it is like a recurring track that plays in the background of my life.
At times I can shut it down as it tries to come through in my conversations and other times I just have to allow it space to do its thing. If I try to block it too much when it is strong then it causes much damage in my life.
As you can see this post is not the uplifting sunny posts that I often bring but more serious and personal. I want to share this with you as I battle through this war.
At present the battle seems quite intense and almost unstoppable as it causes me to doubt most of what my life has been. The hyper-critic which is a product of the Scottish/Calvinist culture which I learnt aids this battle very well. Not only is it hyper-critical of myself but it also makes me hyper-critical of others around me. As such it can cause much damage and has done so on numerous occasions. I can apologise to my friends who receive this criticism (mostly of doubtful veracity) but it carries forward in my view of myself and, in my mind at least, in other people’s view of me.
It is no use denying this part of myself as it is there (more sometimes, less other times) and in some ways I will never be free of it. If I try to ignore this then I will not be in any position to recognise it when it attacks.
In this past few months the Lord has used Rose and I in many ways and I have seen and heard many good things which He has done around and through us (although most of the time I was unaware of it) however in these days the battle of hyper self-criticism is intense and the battle which is life becomes very clear.
I have no human answer to this – my only answer os to turn to the power which is in me through the Spirit which He has given me.
I do not ask for your sympathy only your continued prayer (if you pray) and if you do not please begin as He will hear your prayers anyway.
I trust the next blog will be of not such a solemn nature but every now and then we must speak of the reality of the battle which life is in whatever way it appears for each of us. This is my particular battlefield and thanks to Him I am victorious although often wounded.
thanks be to God in whom we have the victory!!